Its been 3 weeks since I haven’t seened my kids. My last court date was on the 18th of this month. I feel sick to my stomach and lost. Its a shame how one can take another persons child. I feel hurt, lost, angry. I don’t know what to do with myself. I miss them so much and love them dearly. I was promises a broken promise. I know I have to work harder now so when they see me they can be with me. I know that I have to stay strong, but how can I stay strong through something traumatizing like this. All I keep thinking of is the best memories of them. I keep thinking of all the good times. I miss them more than anything. I miss being a mom. I miss taking care of my kids, and I did everything they asked me to do. well, this battle is an ending and a beginning. I know now that I have to keep going as much as it hurts. I can’t let this depression get to me. I’m hurt more than ever. I can’t even begin to explain how I feel being that it is so many feelings combines into one at the same time. I keep thinking of them and everytime I see a kid, or any cartoon movie that’s coming out, or any cartoon, I think of how they might like it. When I get money I think of what to but them but can’t being that they aren’t with me and not going to be for a long time. It hurts so bad. All I ever wanted throughout my life was to smile, and they made me smile. I had a purpose in my life to love and still do. I just feel so down. How can I move on, I just wish that it didn’t hurt. The pain is strong. It gotta get better somehow right…

Smile

I was diagnosed with OCD, Bi-Polar, and mild depression. I was prescribed Welbutrin as well as Lamotrigine. I knew that I wasn’t bipolar as to me losing something important to my concern I was depressed. Something told me to not take those medications and I’m thankful because 2 years later, I was reevaluated and was misdiagnosed the first time. I was then labeled as depressed, with social anxiety, and OCD. I was then prescribed with fluoxetine, and Benadryl for my sleeping pattern was off. It made me feel ok for the 7 to 8 no.txt that I was on it. I had ran out and just recently had my medicine changed to celexa and trazadone. So far I’m ok. I had my medication changed being that I had no medication not insurance. I can’t sleep with the trazadone but who knows its my first day. I’ll keep you posted.

I know how it is to not want to do anything. It seems like your dragging your body, and though you try to slow your mind, it still races. What hurts the most is when you think that those that love you, don’t love you. When you love hard, but then noone is there for you when you need them that one time. Yeah that pain of feeling worthless. You feel like garbage and have this negative aspect in life, and in yourself. You think to yourself, “well, what’s the point of cleaning if everything gets dirty?!”, or, “I’ll get to it later.” How about, “Fuck everything noone gives a fuck so I don’t!” Yeah trust me I know what its like. I have realized that its going to keep happening. There isn’t anything you can do to stop the pain or racing thoughts, but what you can do is eliminate those negatives and push the positive within you, and your aura. Life is hard, it isn’t easy at all, and whoever told you it was, must be a dumbass. Everyone struggles, but who are you not to have fun and smile? You deserve to be happy just as well as I do and I know its hard to smile, clean, and shower when depressed, but pushing yourself and motivating yourself is an awesome way to do so and get over all of that. We all have to be at our lowest to overcome and be at our highest. As a woman, I feel that we should be the biggest clean freaks, and lovers. When in a depressive state of mind I know that all that goes out the window. We always are going to need someone at our corner, even when we think we don’t. As a woman we need to be strong. You can overcome this. This is just a stepping stone as well as a lesson in view. We always can smile and do better. We deserve to be happy. Men and women. We are awesome. I love you.

The way to happiness is to keep a smile and push through all if the bullshit no matter how hard it may be. Let the past be the past. Take a hold of your life.

I’ve been in the shelter system for now 5 months. There are so many painful stories. Amazing personalities. So many stressful moments. What you may not believe is that there are also beautiful people you pass by that impact your life in a major way. I always asked and cried asking why am I here. Throughout these days I’ve been learning to have more patience with myself and others. There’s always a reason for something and though it may seem hard right now trust me that everything will be alright. Stay smiling and keep pushing through. There’s always worst. Be thankful of what you have and fuck what you don’t have.

One minute you love each other but then the next you dont. You argue and nothing is perfect, who cares though? If you love him and or he loves you then why dont yall stick together to make it work? What hurts the most is to be cheated on or almost. Damn! It’s like someone is tearing your heart apart and you cant do nothing about it to escape it. Why is it so hard to get out of love, but so easy to be in it. You can love someone deeply but them not loving you, gotta be the most painful thing to go through you know? I know how it feels like trust me. Ive been through it. You give your all to him/her and then all of a sudden, its not there anymore. Damn! The worst part about loving wsomeone is when they did you wrong, you still run back like an idiot and you know whats worst than that? When they act like they did nothing wrong. I know I dont have much to give, but isnt my love enough for you. If you yearn for me and you want me if you feel that you need me, why leave me? Why hurt me? Why pull me in deeper into loving you if thats not what you wanted. Why hide everything from em as if i havent been through it before? Whats the point of it all… Why love. Im confused and heartbroken, mad and feel like someones taking me away to a dark place where I have no idea of. I have no idea but know that its a dark ora in my heart, and though I try to stay positive to keep it away and wash it away its still ther. Do yall feel this heartfusion?

I don’t think I ever want to be in a relationship again. It drains me the fuck out. I feel like shit, and with all the bullshit going on through my life you’d think, he’d be there to comfort and make you smile. In fact, he doesn’t do neither but, hurt you. Make you feel worthless. He uses you. He makes you feel unwanted. What’s the point of being with someone like that? What’s the point of going back to someone like that when he doesn’t want you at all. It hurts too much to be with someone like that. It makes you cry. What else to do but to walk away. You are stronger than that, and you should smile.